Well, we're almost there. Tomorrow Levi will have travelled all the way around the sun; though of course the journey was more important than the destination. As threatened, it now feels like a blink of an eye. Except of course it was a long, exhausting, trying, boring, beautiful, hilarious, exciting and rewarding journey. And I have found this year (and the pregnant one before it) went much slower than previous ones have.
A lot of things have weighed on my mind this past year. That happens when you are a stay-at-home mum. What have affected me the most were loneliness and boredom. Actually, loneliness wasn't really the issue. The issue is that I need to stimulate Levi and he is very much a people person, as well as a massive flirt. (Also I love to show Levi off.) The loneliness comes as a result of my attempts to engage with my fellow mothers. They have, at times, been a source of comfort and support. But mostly, I just feel alienated. I have yet to meet a mum that I would have been interested in hanging out with, pre-Levi.
The things that have bugged me the most are really the things that have always bugged me. My general dislike of people. Of being on a tight budget. But what has really been heightened is my sensitivity to all the cruelty in the world, particularly to children. It feels like I am forever reading about unthinkable acts of violence towards children, even babies. Before Levi, I could never have understood how frustrating and exasperating babies can be. Combined with sleep deprivation, unsolicited advice and criticism, financial strain and/or lack of a support network, I can understand parents losing their temper. I have done it with Levi. But I would never strike him. And if I shout at him, I apologise immediately. It is so important to me that he feels safe and secure with me. And it hurts me that so many children don't have that. Sometimes at night, I can almost feel their pain, their fear and their confusion. At this point in time, all I can do is put it out of my mind. And to intervene, should I actually ever see anything disturbing. But one day, I would very much like to be a foster parent.
For now, I will content myself with being Levi's mum. And he does make me happy. He's not everything I want out of life but I certainly couldn't ask for a more wonderful child. It's been challenging but I definitely got lucky. Aside from the occasional cold, he's been so healthy. He is so beautiful. It shouldn't but it does make it easier. He is so cheeky, with the funniest little kid laugh that he's had for as long as he's been able to laugh. He is so incredibly sociable that I find myself being judgemental about parents with clingy or anxious babies. I have found him easier and easier to take care of; more and more fun to hang out with. I look forward to each new step, every new adventure.
Here's looking at you, kid.
